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equitable drug testing policyThere are so many rules in golf that when you think about it, the powers-that-be might someday like to regulate America’s true favorite past times – sex, drugs and rock-and-roll. The sport is ruled by control freaks. The snotty empty-suits at the Royal & Ancient and the USGA are taking our right away to use the long putter. What’s next? Ban all ball retrievers with scoop expansion over four feet? WTF?

What’s really odd about golf is a bullshit exhibition every two years called the Ryder Cup. For one week the PGA of America owns the 12 best players in the United States treating millionaires as puppets telling them what to wear, when to eat, where to go, what to say, when to sleep, when to play, and, who to play. Incredibly, since the PGA throws the US flag over the trophy so it can profit millions, they don’t have to pay the players. What a scam!

Makes me wonder during Ryder Cup week, does the PGA also tell the players when to have sex, how often, where and with whom. Maybe that’s the problem why the US team has lost 7 of the last 9 matches. Not enough sex, drugs and rock-and-roll during Ryder Cup week.

The debate this month centers on drugs & game improvement, something we never consider partners, but should. Isn’t it time the Golf Channel produce a reality show on how drugs can improve your game? All they have to do is find a decent golf course in Washington (not Chambers Bay) or Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Video tape a golf instructor giving a lesson, then fire up an Acapulco-gold joint on-camera. See for yourself, the immediate improvement in your backswing and follow-through, resulting from a few quick hits of marijuana during your lesson. Same thing on the putting green. A few puffs and suddenly watch those putts dropping. Call the show “Toke & Stroke.”

Hey golf aficionados, let’s not kid ourselves, if there’s a drug at the local CVS that we could take on the first tee before every big round, and it guarantees only one double-bogey per round, then we take it. If there are pills for sale on the shelf at Walmart that guarantee two birdies every 18 holes, I am all-in. I have no fricking problem at all improving my game by drugs, and not by lessons, and I am not alone!

The next time the PGA Tour stops in Colorado, I would love to see Rory McIlroy and Dustin Johnson firing up a doobie on the practice tee before hitting a 300-yard drive. It’ll put new meaning on the term high trajectory. Someday could we see marijuana sponsors on the PGA Tour? Think many viewers would tune in to watch the E-Z Wider California Weed Classic?How about the Dark-and-Stormy Dope Championship featuring Bubba Watson and Ricker Fowler in a smoke-till-you-drop sudden death playoff? Play a hole, smoke a joint, until one player eventually passes out!

So in 2009 the always politically-correct PGA Tour started random drug testing its players to determine if drugs enhanced performance. And guess what? Steve Stricker summed it up nicely, “There are no drugs available by prescription or illegal that will help any of us beat Tiger Woods.” In March on Sirius radio John Daly called the PGA Tour drug testing program “a big joke.” He claims the program is not random and players know in advance when they are going to be tested. He said The Tour likes to test the guys who they know are always clean more frequently, since it makes the testing program look credible.

So until a legal drug is marketed that improves golf performance, and the going gets rough before, during and after a round, the unanimous choice and rallying cry of golfers in distress still is “more beer please.”

Tom Gorman, recalls listening to a favorite song from the 70s rock band The Tubes called “White Punks on Dope.” 

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